My boyfriend and I broke up on Sunday. I hate it, HATE IT so very much. We are staying friends, simply because we are going to be working together, probably for the rest of our careers. It’s painful to be so near to something that you just can’t have.
I want him. I want to hold him and never let him go.
I think the worst of it is that I feel like I could never love someone the way that I loved him, it won’t even compare. Just to spend time, not even doing anything, brought so much joy to me. He made me want to be a better person and be good with him.
What’s silly is that neither of us wants it, but I had to be done. The stress of school was taking it’s toll and the drastic differences in our beliefs. He’s a christian and I’m an atheist, but I don’t think he realizes that its him that I believe in. I don’t disagree with things he wants to do in his life at all, in fact I support it all. But I just can’t believe in a god who makes me worship him so I can end up in his heaven, just to never exist as myself anymore. I’m already going to cease to exist when I die, why do I need a god to take it away from me.
I don’t need hope, I make my own. Knowing that I live and I have this amazing wonderful brain in my head is all I need to know to make me happy. There is nothing so terrible in my life that I need to believe in anything more. I guess I know that even if things all go to hell, I’m strong enough to work my way out. I’m not saying that people who believe in something are weak, not at all, most of them are stronger than I’ll ever be. Some people HAVE to believe in something, others cannot.
It hurts so much. I have this weight on my chest and it won’t go away.