“You do the thing that is responsible for not only both of our lives but collectively our entire species and many of the species of life I can think of right now. Not only that, but you do this act often. And you like it.”
Yesterday, I woke up in Curt’s room and wandered down to change to go to lunch with Suzanne. We hit up mimosas and decided that seeing “The Five Year Engagement” was a good idea, but later. She and I went back to post so she could nap and I played video games with Nathaniel at the Hobson. It was his birthday and I just wanted to spend time with him. I was buzzing really good and I just wanted to watch a movie and cuddle with him. He didn’t go see the movie with us though, but finally made his plans of going out for drinks.
This morning, I woke up on a couch with a cat sleeping on my head. It was funny. My new friend Jaime made us some coffee and we sat out on her porch and played with her cats. I’ll probably end up in a similar situation next weekend, we’ll see how things go.
"The Five Year Engagement" was super cute, I love Jason Segel. I like quirky, strange movies that have a happy ending. It made me really sad though, I almost cried after watching it. I’ve just been feeling so full of love but not able to express it, and now I don’t even know what’s going on. I don’t even know what I’m thinking about or how to express myself in an appropriate manner.
I just want to sit in my bathtub and cry, but I know I have to do things today.
After the movie, I went home and got ready for Nathaniel’s party. We hit up Lalla’s, again, for mojito pitchers and made him drink so much. They close at ten, so we went to the duck after cause Suzanne was there. I wandered off a bit away from the group and then Curt showed up and we danced for a while. Everyone I came with left, so I went with Curt to the Brit.
I had been down the entire day, just all in a funk. I don’t know what’s happening. The thing I want the most is not happening, so I’m finding other ways to occupy my time. It makes me feel terrible, but I just can’t wait anymore. I’m impatient, I’m adventurous, I’m easily led by passion and a strong will. If I feel unneeded or unwanted, I’m going to go find someone that makes me feel that way.
Maybe I just fall in love to quickly and I’ve just felt that I can’t express that. I want to be affectionate and passionate, but if he doesn’t express to me that he wants it, what am I supposed to do? He’s perfect, everything I dream about, but refusing to communicate any feelings he has towards me is frustrating. I guess I’m just as guilty, if I want him so bad, why don’t I just take him?
I know that he’s just being cautious. Everything he does is very calculated, very thought out, he has to weigh all sides to see if it’s something he should take part in. But he found that he didn’t, but he does, he just doesn’t know. I can only guess what his thought processes are since he doesn’t share them.
And the reason I feel so bad, is that I got tired of waiting and found someone to pass the time with. I’ll have fun, I’ll learn some things about myself, and I’ll know how to love a bit better the next time around. It’s nothing permanent, just something for the present time.
I hate feeling so confused. It messes up everything around me. I can’t even think or put anything together that makes sense. What is this?
But, I did get a nice new jean jacket from a cute little Japanese girl.
After class, I just hung out in my room all day, talked to Nathaniel and sent him a present. I seek acceptance from him even though I feel that I hurt him so much more. Suzanne and Hefner had texted me earlier to get me to go out to the duck, so after I knew the bar would be packed, I went down. The usual crowd was there but Hef was super drunk and kept like following me around. Babs told me I should fuck him, as he usually does, but I let him know I do have some standards and Hef is just not my type. He’s looking for love after love and he’s looking too hard. Kurt texted me and told me he was at the Brit, so I left and went there.
I just wanted to get Nathaniel out, I just wanted to walk around with him and enjoy the night. I didn’t care about dancing or drinking or socializing, I just wanted to enjoy a small piece of life with him. He didn’t come down.
Suzanne is taking me to lunch, I’ll finish this later.